Lesson Learned
I’ve been feeling for a while that something was missing. Like I’m not fulfilled and in fact am a bit drained. And I chalked this up to the giving I do. Even when my work partner Katy joins me in my sessions, I am giving so much energy. And so I thought that what was missing was the thrill of the seduction. Well, that and the deep dicking that so many of my clients are no longer able to manage. I thought what was missing was the sheer joy of having someone pursue and woo me. Of having sex just for the pure joy of having sex.
So, I figured it was only a matter of time before I was heading home from the concert with the handsome guitar player from the band. He looked like a young and scruffy Sinatra. And something about his classic tattoos and fedora set my mind to sizzling. He was just the kind of guy I used to seek out back in my simple slut days. Fun, uncomplicated, witty.
We had been flirting through the whole evening; had established the parameters of a no-strings evening of entertainment. It seemed a perfect conversation and situation. And he was charming in a shy, artistic way that told me he would be a wonderous lover.
We sat on my couch and drank whiskey and chatted about my record collection before moving into the bedroom. And I will say that he does start out with a bang. He was on me in mere moments scratching my neck and breasts with his 2 day growth of beard. With eager hands, we stripped each other’s clothing off and were on the bed, writhing and licking, in no time. I was primed by all the flirting, so I was hot and wet and ready to go. We went through six condoms and at least as many positions without any successful climax for either of us. I gave him a map to my body with each of my particular favorite tourist destinations marked with a big red X, and I played tour guide as well. He just wouldn’t take direction, nor would he let me lead.
Finally, in utter frustration and irritation, both spiritual and physical (that stubble was much less charming when he kept insisting on eating my pussy), I pushed him onto his back and rode him. I wasn’t going to let his stubbornness deny me my orgasm. And I will say that he was encouraging at that point. Holding my hips and cheering me on as I brought myself off.
When I had finished shaking, (ooh, nice image…gives me a shiver too!) I climbed off and ambled back into the livingroom to get my drink. That orgasm was the culmination of over an hour of vigorous, deep dicking equally mixed with voracious licking. I was definitely wooed and seduced. And though I should have felt satisfied, I just felt more empty.
We climbed into my car as the sun was rising, my body already complaining of the harsh treatment it had received. We were awkward and distant. We talked about the weather. We didn’t exchange numbers. I left him to travel to his next gig with the band and drove home to climb back into bed feeling slightly abused and dirty.
Surprising, huh? I felt dirty. I’d concocted the formula to fill that void inside me, and it had blown up in my face. And I will admit that while it seemed like a good idea at the time, it really was silly to think that I could ease all my angst with an anonymous affair. But I learned some valuable information from this experience.
1. Ever heard of a Pillow Queen? A Pillow Queen is a girl, usually in her early 20’s, who is just so beautifully built and fair of face that she has never been taught anything about sexuality. Strange, I know, but there is an alarming number of young girls who are just so pretty that men just want to fuck them. And they are so excited to get to do so that they leap on her like a rabid dog and do their thing. So these girls believe that all they have to do to be great in bed is to lie still and look pretty. I’ve met plenty and am actually related to a couple. I once believed this to be a primarily feminine problem. I have now met my equivalent in the male realm. The Rock Star. I imagine he’s got girls in every town he plays just waiting for him to come back. He is not judged by his appearance, as the ladies are, but by his status. He’s got the cool required to provide him with pussy. Sadly, like the Pillow Queen, he has never had to take the time to learn to be a good listener or a good lover. He just has to bang away for as long as he can and rest on the Rock Star Reputation. Good to know it’s not just us girls who develop these heartbreaking sexual blocks.
2. It is possible for beard stubble to actually remove skin from a woman’s most tender areas. It will hurt for days so you had better be sure there are some pretty damn amazing memories to make it worth it.
3. I now know that it isn’t the pure physical satisfaction of my past that I long for, but the specific attentions of my man. I miss the way he seduces me every day with his little comments and the “lucky guy” look that occasionally sneaks over his face. I miss the passionate way he fucks me and the smoldering way he makes love to me. And though I’ve been treated to some spectacular sexual experiences in the recent past, each event was shadowed by the fact that he could not be here to share in my discoveries.
4. I used to wonder at the number of ladies in my profession who are involved in a relationship. I never thought there could be so many men and women willing to accept our line of work for their partner. I am lucky enough to have found one in my man. But I haven’t seen him since January. And I’m starting to think that it is vital for a sex worker to be involved with someone who knows all about their work and is proud of the service they offer. Because what we do is so emotionally, physically and spiritually draining. The kind of reminders we need can’t be found in a one-night-stand. We need to be reminded of what it feels like to focus on ourselves for a bit. We need to be laughed with and befriended and cuddled by someone who has heard us fart. (hehehe…you’re so silly…but such a good way of explaining yourself and the level of comfort we have) We need someone who will let us stop being the Perfect Girlfriend and just let us be who we are. And still love us just the same.
I miss you, lover. Counting the days. aww…you just made me melt…
