Twirling. . .
Here’s the conversation that most clearly illustrates where my internal dilemmas started. . .
Recently, I was sitting with my favorite client; a lovely lady we’ll call May. We’re drinking margaritas, sitting in the sun and chatting. And she looks at me and says “I admire you. Everything you have, you’ve earned for yourself. No matter what you have to do, you make it on your own. I can’t say that. . .and it makes me envy you.”
I am honored that May sees me that way. I work hard to present that image. And since my divorce, I can honestly say that I have asked for help only reluctantly and very rarely. But that one statement made me start taking stock of exactly what I have made for myself.
As I look back, I have to marvel at my luck. I must have been born under a particularly fortunate celestial configuration. Life has always just come to me. I’ve never had to reach or strive for anything. Jobs, men, good health, vitality, good times. They have all been just happy little treasures that were placed, wrapped in pretty bows, in front of me. I tripped and twirled my way through my world just taking what was placed in front of me. Until this time, I’ve just seen this as a happy side-effect of my butterfly life. Payback for the positivity I make a concerted effort to putting out. I made 20 people feel good today so naturally the universe returns my love by letting the doctor tell me that I need MORE cholesterol in my diet.
So, I’ve gotten older, and I’m just grappling with the reality that I have spent a large portion of my existence letting life happen to me. I simply unwrapped the presents with the least complicated knots and coasted along. I can look back on it now and bemoan the fact that I’ve lost track of where I was headed. But I can’t go back and be a different woman than I was at 24. I obviously took this path for a reason and it has been a path filled with wonderful experiences.
But as I look at my thickening middle and the permanent dark circles under my eyes. . .as I occasionally ponder the fact that I take money from lonely men who should have this level of passion every day of their lives. . .as I sit sipping margaritas with May and hear her say that she admires what I’ve built. . .I wonder if I’ve really built anything. I’ve never tested myself. I’ve never stretched out my arms, pulled in that almost unreachable package and set to work on untying the complicated bow.
I have to love my path. I’m too far down it to turn back now. But I’m thinking now that it is time to walk this path with some purpose to my step. So, I’m reaching out for that present. I’m going back to the sunlit side of the street and applying for a job in a whole new arena. I will be posting my retirement from the world of sex-workers very soon. There are a few truly wonderful people that I have met, and will continue to visit with. But I’ll be taking the red light down. It’s time to see what I really can do. . .
Thanks for reading.
~Lola
