Saying it all. . .

I’m sitting in a coffee shop talking to a new friend about my business. Since he’s a client, there is no need for me to hide the secret side of my life.  I mention the fact that I see just enough clients to pay my bills. I would have no problem filling out a schedule and could probably make loads of money if I would just get organized. But, like so many things in my life, I have approached this in too tentative a way.  He gave me a considering look and said “Sounds like you haven’t made up your mind to do this.”

My first reaction was incredulity. I have been doing this for months now. But I’ve been thinking about it for a few hours now and I realize that he is right. I once knew a stripper who told me about her first days dancing. She said she would go home every night just a bit sad and ashamed. One night her boyfriend asked her what was bothering her, and she told him her feelings. He said something like “Honey, if you are going to do this, you have to be proud of the service you offer. You are a great dancer and you make people happy. Embrace that.” I think it took all this time, and an errant comment from a lovely gentleman, for me to internalize that lesson.

I haven’t exactly been ashamed of what I do. . .I love it, and realize that I provide a valuable gift to my friends. But I was so wrapped up in hiding and trying to keep my secret from everyone. I guess there was a tiny bit of internal disapproval there. Largely because of the neccesity for secrecy. I’ve been half-assed in my approach because I just didn’t want to admit to myself that this really is my life. I have turned down business and made myself somewhat inaccessible simply because I didn’t want to face myself.  

Recently, I have started revealing my life to a few very understanding friends. Some in person, some online. And without exception, my friends have been wonderfully supportive and accepting. And proud of me. That was the shocker. That others can look at what I do, read my stories, and love me for my openness and freedom. I love them all so much for that! It is largely due to their support and positivity that I feel strong enough to embrace this wonderful opportunity. And it is an opportunity. To share, to love, and to feel. To “suck the marrow out of life”. I’m realizing that I should either throw myself into this and revel, or I should just give it up.

With all these epiphanies hitting me today, it’s been a bit of a shake-up. It may be a bit difficult at the time, but this is how we grow. To quote the Blues Travellers, “We grow in dirt.” Sometimes it takes a few hard truths to open us up to forward momentum.

So, what does this mean in my reality. It means that I have begun to reach out to another lady here. And will do my best to create the sense of sisterhood and community I’ve been missing. She will meet me for coffee soon and we will discuss how she goes about scheduling and organizing her business. And she has lots of questions for me, too. We’ve been talking through email and I think we’ll be fast friends.

And, I’ve asked one of my friends to help me with the business aspect of this ride. She’s amazing when it comes to organization and promotion. And, she is one of the first people I told about my life. I don’t know yet what kind of help I’ll ask for. . .that will take time. But she has offered unconditional support. Bless her sweet soul! I look forward to being able to hire her as my business manager.

Of course, I won’t stop being cautious. Flying under the radar is my only option in this life. But, I’m ready to be proud of myself. I think it’s been a long time coming, and I’m not afraid or ashamed anymore! I’m SuperGirl! I’ve got my cape, my alter ego, and a bag full of condoms. There are people in need and I’m here to SAVE THE WORLD!

Warmest kisses and love to you all. . .
Lola

Also, I need to take a moment to say a huge THANK YOU to my wonderful Stablemaster. My first fan. My strongest support. I’m so blessed to have you in my life!